2004-03-17 - 7:09 p.m.

RADAR is an acronym

Wow - I thought *I* was prejudiced against stupid people. Someone sent an email joke around today at work that consisted of a bunch of supposedly true, dumb remaks people made. People laughed but the remarks were things like, "How stupid must these people be" and "What an idiot." First of all, most of the things were probably made up out of thin air to be funny, and second wow, way to be harsh and judgmental over silly mistakes, even if they were real quotes. Just kind of reminded me what a square peg I am at this job.

Oh, and when I say people laughed - what they call "laughing so hard I couldn't breathe" sounded more to me like "quiet giggling." I make myself so beige to fit in at all. No wonder they aren't just champing at the bit to hire me and keep me around forever. I'm not that enamored with the me they've met, either.

But trust me - the real me would float around here like a lead-encased brick. She's popped her head up a couple of times and gotten extremely blank stares, so she went back inside and became invisible again.

Oh by the way - thanks for offer of the tattooed serial number, but I'm all set. Sounded interesting though.

I actually can't complain about the invisibility thing - it works to my advantage short term. I used to work with a guy who always advised people to fly under the radar. I was never able to do it. Never actually really wanted to try that hard to be unnoticed. If you fly under the radar, you just get a dull, low, monotonous flight. You have to give up the view from above the clouds.

By the way, if any of the pilots who are flying any of the planes on which I'll be a passenger this weekend happen to be reading - dull and monotonous will be fine, thank you. No barrel rolls or sudden dives or anything are necessary. However I would like the planes to be visible on the radar if that's okay. But back to my business analogy.

Flying under the radar generally isn't me - I can't help giving my opinions when I think they could be useful. While just staying quiet and sliding by can keep you out of the way of some of the bad things, it generally keeps you out of the path of the good things too. I don't know why I'm doing it this time. Maybe I needed a rest from the excitement.

Nah, I do too know why, on second thought. It's because I'm so completely uninspired. I have formed exactly zero useful opinions, so I have none to give. I can't even say it's 100% because of the "you're a temp" they keep administering to me through the IV drip. I've had useful ideas on three-day assignments before (and yes, I've shared them). Part of the reason I'm not like that here, and I'm not just saying this in case they find this diary, is that the people with whom I work directly are just so damn good at what they do. They don't do anything that I look at and think, "good grief, why do you do it THAT way" or "wow, how inefficient, you should really do this instead." I haven't come up with anything they aren't doing but should be, because frankly I think they've already thought of everything.

So where do I fit in? If I do at all, it's right here - under the radar. I'm sure they think I have no ambition, no energy and no independent thought. I do - but not for this stuff.

Speaking of no independent thought - I think I finally got a point across to PHB yesterday. I know, I was shocked too. We had another meeting about the Project Bound For Nowhere, and he asked me if this particular piece was done. I have been saying for months, "You told me to do this and that's done, but now you need to test it." This time I skipped right over the part before the but. I said, "No. It's ready for you to test. Until then it's not done." Oh, he said. How about this process, is it working? I said, "No. You haven't told me how you want it to work yet." Oh, well it should kinda do this and this, right? And I said, "You have to give me specifics. I've never done this process. I don't know what it's supposed to do." A few more of those, and I actually saw the light bulb start to flicker on. In his eyes it probably means that I'm not doing a good job, since every time he asked me if something was done, I said no. But putting my "not my fault" disclaimer in front of my answers has done nothing but outlast his attention span for months now. So while I actually achieved more than I have in a good while, he probably thinks I've done nothing and am trying to pass the buck. But from the point of view of the good of the project, this was helpful.

Uh oh - was that a blip on the radar?

This was so not about what I thought it was going to be about when I started writing. It was going to be about how I'll be glad to get away from the snow and that I've decided to paint my toenails gold since they may be seen in public this weekend.

That would have been short, huh?

my mood -

the mood of the whole world wide bleepin' web -