2004-05-04 - 4:04 a.m.

So I'm going to hell, what else is new?

So, bla bla, concert Saturday night, concert Sunday lasting from 4pm until whenever. I am so tired that if I dropped over dead it would take me a day and a half to notice.

I have no idea what that means.

Saturday night I did something I have never, ever, done before. I went to a show and bought a t-shirt, and I went and changed into it right away and wore it during the show. I know, doesn't sound particularly momentous, but it actually was. Funny thing was, I didn't realize exactly how momentous it was until I started putting the shirt on. I was so happy I wanted to scream, but happy screams coming from a stall in the ladies' room - not something I want to hear. So I didn't.

Question for those of you who do this all the time: what do you do with your original shirt that you wore there? I ended up stuffing mine into my bag. Got kinda squashed but I didn't care. If I liked it that much, I would have kept it on.

Sunday I went to a show that had about 15 bands, started at 4 and lasted all day. It was at a club, and I didn't think I was going to know anyone there. I go to shows all the time, but not clubs very often, so I was kind of wondering if I was going to feel out of place going there by myself. But there were three artists there I really really wanted to see, so I went.

By the time I was there for 20 minutes I realized it wasn't a big deal - there were 2 stages and non stop music, so being by myself was not even a factor.

About the time I decided this, I saw someone I know. Or I should say, she saw me. Doesn't matter, I wouldn't have been able to avoid her. I was happy to see her for about five minutes. At which point she says to me, "I didn't think there would be anyone here I know, I'm going to latch onto you!"

Is it just me? Or would that not sound attractive to most people? I guess it's just that there are very very few people in the world I'd want latched onto me.

So like I said, two stages. So I listen to one for a while then I want to check who's at the other one. "I'm going outside." "Oh great, we'll be able to talk out there." Yeah, that was my plan.

I'm sorry. I know I'm a bitch. We've established that. But when I want to do things my way, I plan to be on my own. When I want to compromise with someone else in order to spend time with them, I get in touch with them and say, Hey, want to come with me?

Note the lack of invitation in this case. And truthfully, I did consider it because I figured this was somewhere she would want to be. But I decided against it. I figured if she shows up, fine, we'll both be there, and if we hang out together part of the time, fine.

I didn't anticipate the latching.

So the conversation starts with her saying she's surprised to see me, and me saying, which is true, I wasn't sure I was going to come because it's such a long drive, and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to stay until whatever time it actually wrapped up, because I had a 5 and a half hour drive home ahead of me. Mentioned that I was glad I came and it was going to be fun but I sure was going to be thinking differently when I got on the road after the show and had 5 and a half hours ahead of me.

I only said it twice. Perhaps this is why the next thing she did was ask me this. "If you leave after NRS plays, would you be able to give me a ride home?"

Once again. Is it just me? Or is it amazing to ask someone who just told you what a really outrageously long drive home they have, to tack on another half hour to their trip to do you a favor? Meaning they'll get home even later and get even less sleep, or they'll have to leave earlier than they wanted. Leave a show, I might add, that they drove an AWFULLY long way to see. And I might add that this girl has a proven track record of giving BAD directions. Oh, and did I mention this is CWOMM (who did finally just finish paying me back)?

I focused in on the bad directions thing. I said, well, do you know EXACTLY how to get back to your house from here? Because the last thing I need is to be driving around lost for a half hour when I HAVE SUCH A LONG DRIVE HOME AHEAD OF ME ANYWAY. Emphasis attempted.

Emphasis not received. She says, "oh, I'd never let that happen."

What kind of stupid sentence is that? She "let" it happen last time I was with her. Exactly what did she plan to do differently this time? At least last time I was only going another 15 or so miles to my hotel after I dropped her off, so it wasn't THAT bad.

So I state my misgivings again, and again she promises not to let me get lost. Then she says - in one breath - "If it would be any trouble at all just tell me so but if you possibly could give me a ride it would really help me out because I brought enough money for cab fare home but then when I got here I bought $10 worth of raffle tickets and I really didn't mean to spend the whole $10 but when I held it out to the girl selling the tickets she took the whole $10 and gave me that many tickets and didn't give me any change and I didn't want to say anything and now I'm not sure if I'll have enough money for cab fare home and I'm not familiar with this area so I'm not sure where there's an ATM."

Then she bought a $2.50 bottle of water.

Repeat me whining that I already had such a long drive and her promising that she wouldn't get me lost. End with me not saying either yes or no but with both of us knowing she had assumed I would do it.

Continue with me saying I was going out to the stage to watch the band that was playing. With the latcher right behind saying comments like, "Oh my, the wind sure is cold. Ha ha." "Wow, it sure is crowded. Ha ha." "Boy, it's really loud. Ha ha." "These steps sure are steep. Ha ha." See, that's how you can tell she's just commenting and not complaining - by how she smiles and laughs after saying all those things. I almost suggested she just go back and sit down if it was so bad, but then I remembered that while we were sitting, the bar stools were "so high I keep feeling like I'm going to fall off, ha ha."

Here's where I'm going to hell. She has some physical difficulties, or if I'm allowed to say it, handicaps. I don't know exactly what they are because she refuses to admit she has them. However, I've always gotten the impression she expects me to adjust to them anyway. Which is one reason I found it hard to decide whether I was being completely heartless and unfeeling to want to not give her a ride home. She didn't know I'd be there, but "what would she do if I wasn't here" felt like a really mean thing to say. So I'm going to hell. Don't you go to hell for thinking mean thoughts about people with handicaps? But on the other hand are they allowed to put their needs above everyone else's? Maybe they are. I don't know.

So I just pretended that since she was laughing, there was no problem. Fair, I think. If there had been some place there she would have been comfortable, by all means, go. Unlatch. I don't know if she was afraid I was going to bolt, or just afraid to be there alone.

It wasn't at all miserable like I'm making it sound. Good stuff later. Bitchy stuff now.

Oh, and just for fun, here's some catty stuff too. We're watching a band and she asks, "Don't you think he looks just like Paul?" I ask, "Who?" Which obviously means "no" since I know exactly who Paul is. "The guitarist." Oh. I had actually been thinking he looked like a very young RSP and I was enjoying thinking that. But she didn't need to know that. So I just said oh - no, I don't think so. "Really?" "Really, he doesn't look like him to me." "Really? With his hair like that, the way Paul used to bla bla bla black out fall down hit my head unconscious for 20 minutes wake up get back up she's still talking you really don't think so?"

No. I really don't think so.

An hour later out of the blue "I can't believe you didn't think he looked like Paul." Nope, didn't look like him to me. "I'm going to put his picture up on the bb and ask everybody and we'll see who's right. Ha ha." Excuse me. When you ask me my opinion on something that is very subjective, you can not prove my opinion wrong. No matter how many people may disagree, I will still think he doesn't look like Paul.

Seventeen million internal eye rolls later...

Had to get the "ride home" thing resolved in my head. We both knew I didn't say yes. We both knew she was giving more weight to me not saying no. We both knew she was counting on me being too nice - or gutless, as the case may be - to point out at the moment of truth, when I went to leave, that I never said yes. So this was my story to myself. I decided I'd take her home without complaint, even though it would add on more time to my already insane drive. I'd leave when I wanted to, and if she didn't like that, tough - but I knew whenever I wanted to leave would be fine. The guy she came to see is one of the three guys I really wanted to see, too. And then I told myself that next time, as soon as I saw her I'd be prepared, and she wouldn't catch me off guard again, and next time it would be NO.

So basically I was going with the "okay okay I'm a spineless, cowardly doormat, but this is the LAST TIME."

Quiet, I'm rationalizing here.

Oh, so here's the really really truly indefensibly evil thing I did do. After I'd decided to just be a wuss and while I was wallowing in my resentment, she said something like, "This is such a surprise to see you here." I said, "Yeah, I emailed you a couple days ago and mentioned that I was coming, but I never heard back. I guess you didn't get it." The look on her face - just for a second, but it was there - was fun. Lesson: when you owe someone money and they email you to ask about it, and you don't answer, and then you claim you never got their email because your system is always messing up and losing mail - later when they look you right in the eye and claim to have sent you an email you never got - you can't call them on THEIR lie without admitting YOURS.

But here's the twist. Later in the evening, after NRS and the band after him had played and right before the other person I was waiting to see was about to play, she says to me out of the blue, "If it's any trouble at all to give me a ride, just tell me and I can take a cab." I heard myself say, "Would you mind? Are you sure? Because I've just got such a really long way to go anyway, I just hate to make it longer." She really seemed like she took it okay. And on the one hand I felt good that I didn't let her walk all over me, but on the other I felt guilty for not doing her the favor.

I sure was glad to fall into bed at 3:30 instead of 4am or after, though.

So I don't know. I'm still torn. The Viking for once is not doing his usual Jiminy Cricket job and doesn't have an opinion except to say I shouldn't feel guilty. My sister was appalled the chick even had the nerve to ask me, and says I shouldn't feel guilty. And I know if she thought I'd done a scummy thing, she'd say wow, I can't believe you didn't give her a ride, what a scummy thing to do.

I don't feel good about it though.

my mood -

the mood of the whole world wide bleepin' web -