2006-01-05 - 1:02 a.m.

f#(k!

Fuck fuck.

You know the joke that goes, what's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale? The Northern ones start with "Once upon a time..." and the Southern ones start with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Well. Y'all ain't.

This is what I get for getting all cocky about being calm about going to the dentist.

It went fine. He filled a couple of cavities. Oh - one weird thing at first, when he first started drilling, my throat totally closed up. My nose is never really unstopped, ever, so I was desperately trying to suck air through my nose (if that's possible) because no air was getting in through my wide open mouth. I tried it for a few seconds, and was really not getting any air and was afraid I'd pass out or something, so I raised my hand which means STOP! (Clarity, if you're reading, it KILLS me that your dentist did not stop when you raised your hand! Both times in my life that I've done it, the dentists in question jumped back like I had a bomb or something.) Anyway, as I just parenthetically foreshadowed, when I raised my hand, the dentist and the assistant both jumped back instantly, and the assistant said, "Did you feel that?" And I said no, and sat up a bit. My throat opened. I explained that I just couldn't breathe for a second, and the dentist said it was probably because they were working so close to the back of my mouth, and to let him know if I needed a break every so often. Once I figured out it was kind of half gag reflex and half panic, I was able to relax enough to breathe... and breathing is good. Anyway that was weird. Just thought I'd share. Has nothing to do with all the swearing.

So anyway. Filled a cavity way in the back and another one on the back of a front tooth. That one waaaay in the back, by the way? Needed a bit more work than just filling the cavity, since it's also the one where half of the tooth broke away about two and a half years ago. So I was all proud of myself for getting that taken care of and not having a broken tooth in my head anymore.

Then.... ELEVEN HOURS LATER...

I'm sitting in my living room minding my own business, eating a damn jelly bean. Now, about two or three months ago, I noticed a chip in the back of one of my upper teeth. No idea how it happened... just a little chip. So tonight as I'm chewing that wretched jelly bean, I happened to feel the back of that tooth with my tongue... and the chip was suddenly a LOT BIGGER.

And I'm like, OH, SHIT.

I'm trying to get all the jelly bean residue off the damn tooth and... the back of the tooth very cleanly and quietly SLIDES RIGHT OFF. That was really frightening. It was like an iceberg calving off a glacier. Really not a pleasant thing to have happen in your mouth. I think having any kind of calves in your mouth is just always going to be bad in general.

So the bad news is apparently I can't even go HALF A FREAKIN DAY without having a broken tooth. The good news, I guess, is that I didn't choke to death on half of tooth #5.

I think it's #5. You know how you have your right front tooth, then (onward to the right) the one next to it, then the fangy one, then the one that kind of has a front and a back point? No more back point for me. Anyway I think that's officially called #5. I'm trying to learn their names. If they're going to be this aggravating, they could at least introduce themselves properly.

But on the bright side... my first thought was, GREAT, now I have to make ANOTHER appointment - and not, GREAT, another dentist who screws up, NOW what do I do??? Because while I do think this one probably broke loose because it got all excited and stirred up and stricken with wanderlust by the cleaning I had after the cavities were filled, I don't think it's because anyone screwed up. It's more the fault of the jelly bean than the dentist, I think. It was just its time. It did have a chip, and a really huge filling already that's at least 20 years old.

The thought that there are people reading this who are younger than my fillings is a whole nother kind of scary.

The other good thing, I suppose, is that I'm not in intense pain at the moment as a result. Pain is even worse than calves.

But I didn't even get a single word of Portuguese out of it, either. So that sucks.

my mood -

the mood of the whole world wide bleepin' web -