2004-04-23 - 11:19 p.m.

I have no idea what I'm talking about

Why am I all bouncy and fidgety? I have no idea. But I'm sitting here with my legs just bouncing up and down like crazy. I never do this.

Perhaps it's a new neurosis and I'll stop pulling out my hair. That would be a change of pace.

Maybe this fidgety thing is burning some calories. I want to lose weight before my next trip. Basically I want to lose the weight I gained since my last trip. We'll see. I've sworn off potato chips until the trip. Wish me luck on that one.

I don't think I'm going to NJ tomorrow. I think I'd have made more plans if I were. But it's an all day outdoor thing and I'd have to get up at like 6:30am to go. Then I'd be driving for like 10 hours round trip and I'd be there by myself.

Get me not wanting to go by myself. There's something wrong with me.

Maybe I'll set my alarm and see what happens. As if I don't know I'll sleep through it. But maybe at least I'll make it out of the house before the post office closes.

I got the ticket in the mail today for a show I had talked myself out of going to because it just is going to be impossible logistically. Not the one I cancelled that I can't afford. If I can't afford it I can't afford it, I'm not insane enough to not pay bills or something. But logistics and missing work... URG. I had forgotten where this seat was. Second row on the aisle.

Well it's in June so I'll just think about it later. So why am I looking at train schedules... does trip planning burn calories?

Decent day at work today. I actually got a lot done on that project and found a way to make it involve THINKING on my part. And I got to work 10 minutes early. Someone several years ago tried to teach me that when things suck that are out of my control, I need to adjust how I react, because that's all I really can control. It's so hard. But I'm trying. I keep thinking of Billy Crystal's line from the end of "City Slickers" where he had been so ready to quit his job, but then he said, "I'm not going to quit my job. I'm just going to do it better." I'm trying. Maybe it will work. If this project puts me out of a job (which if I do it well, it might, ironically) at least I go out on a high note.

And if they let me go before June I can go to that show and not worry about taking time off.

Fidget fidget fidget.

my mood -

the mood of the whole world wide bleepin' web -