2004-04-23 - 1:44 a.m.

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I'm so paranoid about saying things about work, but...if you can read though my deliberate vagueness, I'll bitch for a moment, if you don't mind.

Didn't think you would.

This week I started a fairly important project. It put PHB's project on the back burner. It could actually be interesting, and I'm really really trying, but I've so lost any interest in this place.

I wonder if I'm trying to get fired. I'm out what I would call a lot, with my trips, and I'm about five minutes late getting in to work about two or three days a week. And every now and then I'm out sick. And once in a while I oversleep and make it in about a half hour late. I always call if I'm going to be late or out sick, and I certainly let them know in advance if I'm going to be out for another reason, but I just feel like I'm not up to my standards of good employee behavior. Especially the five minutes late so often part. I know that's normal routine for an awful lot of people, but it is SO not me. I've always been the one who's there ten minutes early, every single day. I'm at my desk ready to start work when the clock strikes whatever it's supposed to strike to mark the beginning of the work day. No one has said a thing to me, and my boss sure isn't shy or afraid of me, so maybe there's no problem. But I'm sure not up to my own standards. If I were my boss, I'd be sitting me down for a little chat right about now and saying this can't continue.

I'm apparently a real bad ass to work for. Then again, people who used to work for me generally didn't go out and let the air out of my tires. I don't know.

Anyway though, this project. I don't know how some people get away with the things they do. I can't say what I'm thinking because I'm just too damn paranoid the wrong person will see it - like anyone would. But I can't. Let's just say - and this has to do with someone outside my little department - I'm not impressed by the display, seen better, and trust me if it comes down to it mine are bigger.

Oh, speaking of loose ends earlier - the soap dispenser is back on the wall. The bottle of gelcrap is gone. So... why was it so imperative that there not be visible holes in the wall for the brief time the thing was down? Those holes were filled in and covered with primer. I couldn't tell if they repainted before they put it back up, but I wouldn't doubt it.

Just another little odd dichotomy... I have no idea how the company is doing overall. I do know there are layoffs and hiring freezes in some areas. I think sales are a bit down. But there are also positions being filled with new hires here and there. And the company must not be doing TOO badly, because yesterday the gardeners, or groundskeepers or whatever, were out in force. Great truckloads of sod rectangles. Piles of mulch and wood chips. Live flowers. Two days ago the front lawn, which is a long narrow strip between the sidewalk and the building, was a stretch of grass doing a pretty good job of recovering from a long, snowy winter. Today... work of natural art.

Well, not that it looks THAT natural. They edged the lawn - a great deal of which must be newly placed sod with pretty green grass - so that it doesn't grow right up next to the sidewalk, but it stops and follows the exact contour of the pavement, three inches away from it. We're talking perfect and severe edging here. Up next to the building, around the shrubs, and around the trees, patches have been cleared and filled with new soil, mulch and/or wood chips, and flowers are blooming everywhere. Flowers that weren't even popping their heads up above ground two days ago, seeing as how they weren't planted there yet. Live tulips, daffodils and what have you, brought in and placed in what I'm sure were well-planned positions.

It looks perfect. But as I said - not natural.

As I was walking out after work today, I realized that I have a new vision of what hell must look like. Forget the fiery lakes and brimstone, red demons running around with beards and tails and pitchforks. No no. Hell is beige. Filled with salesmen, inane conversation, and soulless people.

And the landscaping is impeccable.

my mood -

the mood of the whole world wide bleepin' web -