2004-04-28 - 7:31 p.m.

A vicious cycle

Vicious, I tell you. Really vicious with big sharp nasty teeth. I get in a bad mood, it inhibits my ability to write, and then not being able to write puts me in a worse mood. So while whatever results from this may not actually count as writing, at least I'm typing and stringing sentences together. If it happens to suck when I'm done, we'll all just have to deal.

I'm in one of my nobody likes me everybody hates me phases. If you happen to read that and feel moved to reassure me, please don't, because quite honestly, when I'm in one of these moods, reassurances piss me off. Sorry about that. Hey, mental illness is often irrational. All I've got going for me is self-awareness.

Why I even care what people on mailing lists and boards think of me is beyond me. But did I mention I detest being disputed when I KNOW I'm right? Well I do. Even more so when they're rude about it and laugh at you. And did I ever mention how frustrating it is that when someone is rude to you, you can't point out that they're rude without them thinking you are the rude one? Well it is. And I don't even have an adjective for how it feels when you know you have friends (did you see me not use the quotes around that word? It took tremendous self-control. Thank you) who are reading, who agree with your opinion and/or know you're right, who just let you drift out there by yourself, and don't show any indication of coming close to having your back.

Sometimes I think I'm way too oversensitive... and then again I wonder if I just can't take a hint.

Maybe they don't agree with me so much as they say in private. Or they just agree when it's convenient. Or they didn't really care enough to be paying attention to what I said in the first place and just agreed without having a clue what they were agreeing with.

Also I'm not well. Yes I know, you knew that. But my stomach has been upset for the past three nights - which I don't think is caused by stress - and my shoulders have been absolutely killing me for a couple of days - which I think may be stress. Don't get me wrong, the pain in my shoulders is real, actual, serious pain; the kind you'd get if you bench-pressed a medium-sized three-story building without warming up first. But since I haven't done that lately, I'm guessing it could be stress. My stress usually collects in my lower back though, which is what is tricky about this particular pain.

The stress, I think, has been coming from three things that were unresolved for my upcoming trip next week. Unfortunately, "wait" has been the only thing to do about all three. There's always "make other plans," but the other plans wouldn't be better than the existing plans... IF they come through.

I leave a week from today, so I just couldn't stand to wait any longer. My control issues wouldn't let me. So I emailed place #1 this morning. Before I could barely blink, they emailed me back, said I should get what I'm waiting for on either Saturday or Monday, and if it didn't come, how I could get around it. And they even spelled my name right. Those people rock. Okay, one down.

Called place #2. Big company, so I knew email would just get me a form letter, and at least a phone call would get me a form person. Well, their main office is in the capital city of the Land of the Clueless. They have no idea where the processing stands and no idea when it will be completed, but I'm welcome to call back again and check. Ah well. I still might get what I'm waiting for before I leave, and if I do maybe I can still take advantage of it, but I'm going to follow the odds here and presume it will not be done. So, not the answer I wanted, but it's an answer and I'll move on.

Called place #3. I'd prefer email, but the two times I've emailed them over the past month, both times I never got any response. However, when I called the next day to follow up, both times the guy had gotten my email, and was JUST about to answer. Mmm. Good to know. So today of course I can't even get the guy on the phone. I've spoken to him twice about this and I just wish I didn't have the sinking feeling that he knows there's a big problem, is praying for a miracle and doesn't want to tell me that. Last week he told me everything should be ready to go on Tuesday or Wednesday, and he'd call me. Well... it's Wednesday. I think I've been patient. After no answer on the phone, I sent him an email, copied to the general customer service email (which I'm sure is bogus) and, you know, whined. Not much else I can do.

We'll see.

And try to write. This helped a little bit.

Oh, and I spent money. I don't like that that helps, but it does. I bought a back-up battery for my cell phone. $22 worth of empowerment... so to speak.

If only I got paid by the pun.

my mood -

the mood of the whole world wide bleepin' web -