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2004-12-21 - 6:59 p.m. psychobabble Okay, I FINALLY just received notification that the last of my Christmas presents has shipped. So they should all make it to my parents' house before I do. Sheesh, it took them long enough! Next year I'll have to do something different. Like, um, do my shopping before December 15th or something maybe. So now I have two reasons that I'm reminded of RSP when the weather gets really cold. Which makes it nice to live in New England, so I'll get reminded of him all the time for at least six months of the year. Because otherwise - not a thought. Uh huh. Sarcasm is apparently the theme of this entry. The two reasons are similar, now that I come to think of it - him speaking what he thought was a straightforward statement or question, and me coming back with a smart-aleck remark. No, really. In real life. Actually. (That still amazes me). One response cracked him up and the other I think slightly confused him - or possibly just made him question my sanity. Oh well, wouldn't be the first time. Thursday I'll head home for Christmas. There's a good chance that while I'm there, my inlaws will be at my house with my husband. Joy. I'll have to make sure I take the sentimental ornaments off the tree before I go, so they won't "accidentally" go home with my mother-in-law in her suitcase. Sounds like I might miss seeing them this trip. That'll be okay. With them too, I'm sure. Actually I do hope they come this weekend, because otherwise it'll probably mean they'll be with us New Year's Eve. And I'm sorry, I know I'm a bad person, but yuck. Not like my husband would love spending the holiday with them and I'm raining on his parade. I wouldn't do that. The way they treat him (okay, mostly the way his mother treats him) is a big part of the reason I'm never thrilled to hear that they're coming. Apologies to the dead horse. I sent Gretchen an email on Saturday telling her the total amount she owes me (I hadn't added it up yet before then). She answered a bunch of other emails but not that one. You know what? I'm too old to brood about this shit anymore. I sent her another email the next day. She did answer that one and still says she plans to pay me on the 31st, like she originally said. So we'll see. However she also still says she doesn't think she's coming to the one show, so it's me, myself and I as traveling partners again. Oh well, not like it's the first time for that either. I told my husband that from now on, anyone asks me if they can borrow money (disguised as "can you buy me a ticket"), my answer is NO. Next time anyone asks if I want to share a room or travel together, other than the three people I can think of off the top of my head with whom I have a proven track record, my answer is NO. It's nice to be able to share expenses sometimes, and sometimes it's even nice to have a friend for company. But I'm tired of losing what few and tentative friendships I have. The fact that you allow someone to be your friend inherently means that you give them the ability to hurt you to some extent. The saying is that if you don't allow yourself to feel bad, you won't be able to feel good either. Well you know what - I'm going to have to forego the feeling good part for a while. I'm accumulating too much bad, and I need to heal. I miss having people I can open up to completely. I truly do. But honestly right now I don't know if I will ever do that again. I'm perfectly willing to take my part of the blame. It can't be everyone else's fault completely if this keeps happening to me. But if I'm setting myself up somehow, I honestly can't see what I'm doing wrong except being too open. Therefore, in pursuit of this "healing" thing, I'm closing some doors. I hope I'm not burning bridges, but I'm definitely hiring a few extra guards to stand at the end and check IDs before people are allowed to cross. And if they're allowed, they won't notice it, but there will be another guard surreptitiously accompanying them during their visit. Some people won't be allowed across because as nice as they may seem, and no matter what gifts they bear, they've done too much damage in the past. I'm sorry. I don't mean to hold a grudge, but I just can't take any more punches right now. The accidental ones hurt too. All right, silver lining time. I have a great family. I'm really looking forward to seeing them this weekend. The guards can have some time off. And I know how lucky I am for that. So if I don't see you - Merry Christmas. my mood - |
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