2004-04-13 - 9:51 p.m.

The ABCs of traveling with me

When I said I had a short list of potential traveling companions, it's not that I couldn't find someone to go on these trips with me if my main goal was actually just to find someone to go with me.

I do know quite a few people who might have been interested in going, especially since I had a good ticket available for two out of the three shows, and also they'd probably like to share expenses and driving. But quite honestly - I'm a bitch. We covered that, right? Good.

There are just a great many people of my acquaintance who, while they are perfectly nice and, I'm sure, loved by animals and small children the world over, are not people with whom I want to share 72 consecutive hours, a car, and a hotel room. And when I say that I could find someone if that's what I really wanted, it's not that I hate everyone and everyone loves me. Far from that. But other people seem much more willing to put up with unpleasant company for the sake of going to shows and saving money. Whereas I tend to think, hmm, nope, thanks anyway, but I'd really rather be alone and pay all my own way than spend the day with you.

Is that snobby, or is that fairly common? Or both? Well whatever. That's me. And sometimes, I kind of like my own company. At least I have someone to talk to who's not mind-numbingly boring.

Yes, I do know that was very snobby. Sorry. At least I know my faults and attempt to inflict them on as few people as possible.

I think I've focused in on what it is that I want in a co-traveler. Aside from being someone who's fun to be with and interesting to talk to, I also like someone who will either be in charge, or let me be in charge, of the things that everyone has to agree on. If once we get wherever we're going, I want to go browse the shops and you want to swim, fine. You want to go for a walk and I want to take a nap, no problem. But I'm driving and I want to get on the road at 6 and you want to sleep until 8 - suck it up, get in the car, and sleep in the back seat, but we're leaving when I say. Or, you be in charge of getting us there on time, and we really better be there on time.

Oh, by the way, about the doing separate things? If you're going to laugh at me and tell me I'm a party pooper for wanting to shop while you go bungee jump - thanks for your time. Next applicant please.

You'd think that it wouldn't be that hard - either be in charge, or let me be in charge. But apparently it is. Not of the whole trip, even. I don't mind if we divide the tasks. But what I can't stand is someone who says, "Your directions, which you researched since you're the one driving, say to take this exit? Oh no, there's another way that's much better. It's 27 East, or 24 South, or North, one of those, and the exit is coming up pretty soon, I think. It should be around here somewhere. We should take that. After that I'm sure we can find the place we're going. No, I've never been that way myself, why do you ask?"

Or - "Why are you bothering to ask the concierge for information? The bus stop is right over there, let's just GO." Ten minutes later: "Wow, six buses stop here, huh? Which one do we take? How much is bus fare? Well why DON'T you know? Well, until we figure it out, let's just keep walking in some random direction, which will take us farther away from the bus stop and, in all probability, farther away from our destination."

Or - "I don't care where we eat, you decide. No, not there. No, not there. No, not there. No, not there. What? Oh, no, I don't want to decide, you decide. No, not there."

To his credit, NONE of the above are quotes from my husband. We get along pretty well traveling, except for the fact that he hates to travel, and the longer the actual travel part of a trip lasts, the more violently he begins to hate everyone on the planet BUT me.

In fact, he bailed me out of one of the above situations, only nanoseconds before I quite definitely was about to have a meltdown. Long, long, long story, but it resulted in the phrase "trip to Montreal" becoming our metaphorical synonym for "utter fiasco." As in, "Did you have a bad day?" "It was a trip to Montreal." "Uh oh, I'll get the Advil."

Don�t I just sound like a joy? Believe me, I'm not doing the people of the world that much of a disservice by not bringing them along with me, one by one.

By the way, Montreal is a lovely place with lovely people, and we've been there before and since that dreadful trip and had a lovely time. Just not with those same traveling partners. Fool me once, shame on you, and don't count on a second invitation.

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