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2004-06-16 - 8:49 p.m. there are no accidents In the course of doing my job today (yes, I do actually do work) I had to go through some files to determine whether they were outdated or still in use. One of the files was a database containing accident reports. Okay, safety is a serious matter and accidents are not funny. But the reports are hysterical. Most of the accidents themselves were extremely minor, and I can just see the accident victim and the supervisor rolling their eyes like crazy sitting with the safety officer, filling out the paperwork. I once tripped at work, a few jobs ago, and made the fatal mistake of saying, after I had gotten up and right as Sharon the safety officer was walking into the room, "Please, no one tell Sharon this happened." I got away without having to be sent to the doctor for being a clumsy bonehead, but I didn't get away without paperwork. I had another injury on company property once that did actually involve worker's comp (or is it workman's comp? I can never remember) and that one required tons of paperwork, follow up reports, witnesses (which luckily I had, otherwise I would have had to explain why I didn't), and a weird conversation with a doctor, in which he tried to lead me into saying the pain was worse than it was so he could recommend a restricted work schedule. Never quite figured that out. And even though it wasn't that bad, it did leave me with tendonitis in one foot that flares up now and again, which isn't fun. See, I understand the difference between funny accidents and unfunny ones. Some of what's so funny about these reports is just the language and the typos. One person reported that her muscles were "soar." Another wasn't watching where he was going and got a "verble" warning. Doesn't that sound like big furry round rodent spoke to him sternly? Another person pulled a muscle in his "lower growing area." Yow. Sometimes you can just see how frustrating it had to be to fill out all the required fields in this form. One accident was a guy who set his coffee down by the front door to get his ID card out, stood back up and hit his head on a tree branch. The reason for the accident was given as "inattentive to his surroundings" and the corrective action was "watch for nearby landscaping." Unfortunately his name wasn't George O.T. Jungle. One chick fell on the steps and bruised her butt - that's what it said, bruised her butt - but didn't want to have anyone take a look at it. Well of course not, that would be harassment. Oh, and the thing about blame? All over these reports. One was an admin who heard her phone ring, turned to answer it, tripped over the leg of her chair and fell against the wall. Cause? Hurrying and carelessness. Corrective action? She was counseled that safety comes first and is more important than a ringing phone. Uh huh. I'm betting that will go over well next time the phone is ringing and she's carefully walking to it at a calm pace. Then sometimes you can see there are other issues afoot. Like the guy who was told to go do something, said he didn't want to, was told he had to, said he couldn't because he had hurt his hand, was asked when that happened, said he didn't remember, maybe yesterday, and was sent to the doctor for treatment and written up (out of the jurisdiction of the Giant Verble, I guess) for not reporting the injury when it happened. The funniest description by far was the one where a woman was walking from building E to building F, got too close to building D (what it was doing between E and F is anyone's guess) and fell into the hole. Not a hole. THE hole. Like it's a permanent fixture with a historical marker and all. What happened? Fell in THE HOLE. Ah - THE HOLE. Over by building D? Of course. That's where THE HOLE is. Oh, and any time ANY first aid or medical attention was involved? Drug test. Cutting open a box, slip and cut your hand just a bit, go get a bandaid and oh while you're there - drug test. Just another symptom of this being a BIG company. So be careful out there!
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