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2005-04-13 - 12:36 a.m. the dark side... Me again... I'm better. I wasn't that bad to begin with. It wasn't even a bad day, just a bad moment. I should know by now that when I start to write, and things start to slide down towards Pitypartyville, I should just stop. But I hadn't updated in so long, that strangely, the desire to have a new update was stronger than the instinct not to be all whiny and pathetic. Sorry about that, folks! (All both of ya!) As for why I don't have any close friends any more... I don't know. I think about the ones I've had and how those friendships ended, and I don't see a pattern. When I think of the few really close friends that I've had, the kind where you talk for hours and are comfortable talking about anything at all, one got hurt that I wouldn't alter my wedding plans for her, one began trying to change me and I didn't really feel much like changing (except for changing friends, I guess), and another, I think I just ceased to be in her field of vision. And as for why other friendships haven't progressed even near the point of "close friend..." sometimes I worry that I'm too demanding and I expect too much of people, and when they do one thing I don't like, I can't forgive them. I hope that's not true. I certainly don't deliberately test people. But when someone, for instance, tells other people something that I told them was a secret - more than once - I can get past that and still be friends, but is there something wrong with me that I can no longer trust them enough to tell them secrets? Because actually I've tried to be that forgiving/forgetting... in multiple cases... explained to someone why what they did hurt me, and then trusted them enough to not put a guard up. And sure enough, when they were in the same position where they had hurt me before... they did it again. With, supposedly, the same level of non-understanding as to why it would hurt. So what am I supposed to do to have a friend - let them do it again and again and again? Maybe I'm inflexible, but I can't help thinking of the old saying: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; fool me three times, I am quite possibly too stupid to live." Or something along those lines. I don't know. I have trust issues. I have privacy issues. And they all stem from control issues. This is all so melodramatic (hence the moodlet). I'm not going to solve this issue any time soon, so let's move on... my mood - |
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