2005-01-16 - 3:26 a.m.

connections

Interesting... I was in the middle of writing an entry, and then I read this one. It's kind of changed what my entry was going to be. Well, the focus, anyway. Especially this part of the entry:

"Do you think people have more than one soulmate?"

"Please..C'mon. Am I the only person you ever "clicked" with?"

"no"

"See? It would be a sad world if there was only that ONE person out there for you. You'll meet many in your life, you'll travel together on a path for a certain time and then you'll part ways. You grow through the experience. Everything in the universe happens for a reason. Everything"

I was quiet "I agree."

"Doesn't mean you have to run off with every "soulmate" you meet.."

I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her. I don't even know if she reads me. I think I found her diary through a banner ad. But I like her entries.

I was going to write an entry about this guy I met this past weekend, Danny. Then as I got into the entry, I thought it kind of sounded like there was more going on than there really was, and that I was veering close to bad behavior, when I really wasn't. I didn't want people to think, "see, she goes off on these trips without her husband and sooner or later it's going to wreck her marriage." So I was totally changing the entry so that he was just an aside and I wasn't mentioning any of the inner conversation I'd had later. But that entry made me think that maybe people really would understand that nothing close to that happened. And besides, when did I start caring what other people think about me?

So, Danny. He's a friend of an online friend of mine, and we ended up next to each other at one of the shows. As we were all standing around before the show chatting, I was really enjoying Danny's stories. Sometimes when people tell stories of having an autographed guitar from this person or that person, or having met and spoken to that one and this one, it comes off very arrogant and braggy and "check me out and don't you wish you were me." That annoys me and I am always careful not to do that by accident. At its best though, these chat sessions are fans sharing things that have meant a great deal to them, and that comes through. Not "listen to this great thing that happened TO ME and NOT TO YOU," but "listen to this GREAT THING that happened."

At one point he was telling me about a show of theirs that he saw about 25 years ago, and how it was his favorite tour and how he'd never forget the way the show opened and the band came on stage. He described it in such vivid detail that I could see it, and I could see in his eyes that he was living it all over again as he told me about every sight and sound and the way it made him feel. I was hanging on every word. When he was done I told him that I was a relative latecomer to the band, and hadn't started seeing them live until the 90s, so I missed all those great early tours. He looked truly pained to hear that. Then he said, well, but how old are you though? I told him I just turned 40, and he blinked and said, "Get the fuck outta here." I laughed, and he immediately said, "Um, I mean," and I said, "Don't you dare take that back, I'm fine with that." But I also thought it was very cool that he kind of felt like he should apologize for the expression since we'd just met. I also try not to drop f-bombs on people until they I know them a little better. I thought that was very considerate of him.

At one point during the show, the band played a song he wasn't expecting, and I looked over at him and could see he was just floored. Just that raw, stunned, OMG I Can't Believe This Is Happening I'm So Happy look on his face. I love that. I've done that. While I certainly spend the vast majority of my time at a show looking at the stage, every now and then I look around at the crowd or at least at the people right around me. The faces are just SO happy and there are smiles everywhere. Makes me totally understand how they can do this night after night, year after year. What a great job to have. And as I glanced over at Danny, he was totally having one of those "zone" moments.

A bunch of us hung out in the parking lot after the show talking, as we tend to do. If we can get to the tour bus to hang out there and wait for the band to come out, we do that, but at these past three shows we couldn't because of venue security. So we hung out in the parking lot, because we never are quite ready for the night to be over. After this particular show, there was going to be an after-party at the same bar where we had been earlier, but I did have to get up and on the road the next day, so I wasn't going. So we all chatted for a while and then said our goodbyes.

And that was totally it. We didn't exchange emails or have any private conversations or "moments" or anything. But it was one of those encounters that leaves you pleasantly wondering what would have happened if you were both available. I actually don't even know if he is married, seeing anyone or what. I know he has been divorced because of an entertaining breakup story he told, but that's it. It wasn't relevant. I'm married and that's all I need to know. I don't even know if he had any interest in me whatsoever. Just kind of made me wonder, if I had been single, if I would have made any kind of move, knowing I'd most likely never see him again. I never had a one night stand and I just wonder, traveling as I do now, if I would have them now, if I were single.

Funny also that just yesterday I was thinking about my opinion that everyone has more than one potential "soulmate" out there, even though that's not a word I really use. But the whole idea of there being one, and only one, true love out there for everyone, while an awfully romantic notion, seems pretty unfair. If there's only one person in the entire world who could be right for you, either God had to spend a lot of time sorting people out so that they'd be in the same geographical area and have a decent chance to meet up (time which could have been much better spent in other ways, in my opinion, as I am apparently God's personal scheduling assistant), or He just left them to their own devices and said hey, didn't find your soulmate? Too bad, should have visited a little town in Uzbekistan.

My opinion has always been that there are several people out there who have the potential of being "the one." I think I've met a few. I definitely can think of two, not including my husband, with whom I had a special kind of connection and a feeling of alikeness. I think they kind of felt the same way, but I was married when I met them, and in one case, he was with someone else, and that was just it. Off limits. I never felt sorry that I couldn't do anything about it, because I love my husband. But it's just kind of... interesting... to feel that initial connection with someone else that you think could turn into something if you were to take the time to develop it.

And that's the point - the development. As I said, I believe there are several people out there with the potential. But I don't know if I believe that anyone has such a perfect match that it would be effortless to have a good relationship with them. I think it always takes some effort and attention, or it's going to go bad with even the most compatible person. You meet someone, you choose them and with luck they choose you as well, and if you've gotten one of the right ones for you, it can work out. If it doesn't work despite your best efforts, does that mean you made the wrong choice? Maybe. Maybe not. People change. I've thought about this recently too. My husband and I are not the same people we were when we met almost 17 years ago. We've changed. We're lucky that we've changed in similar directions. We haven't relied purely on luck, of course; we've worked through things day to day. But if we'd happened to change in vastly different directions, that wouldn't be anyone's fault. I don't believe in divorce just because you get tired of someone or because things aren't perfect, but sometimes it happens that two people who used to click just don't work any more.

Where was I going with this? I guess just that I do feel lucky to have my husband who appreciates me and lets me do the things that make me happy. And I love him enough to occasionally run into someone else and feel that little bit of "alikeness" and be able to enjoy the speculation, knowing there's no chance I'm going to take any action on it. The above quote was perfect - doesn't mean you have to run off with every soulmate you meet.

Kinda funny, I had just said in a recent entry that I believe everything happens for a reason. One of the people I was telling that to last week, in discussing my upcoming job interview, was Danny. He thought so too. Of course.

One more thing that is just related to this in my mind... when I was a teenager, my mom said something to me that I have found useful ever since. In having one of those discussions about growing up and making your own decisions, she said that if I were trying to decide whether I should do something, that I shouldn't do anything I'd be ashamed for her and my dad to find out I did. For me that's perfect. Not that I'm saying I never did (or still do) anything that I'd rather they didn't know, or that they wouldn't like! But I've done very few things that I'd actually be ashamed of them knowing I've done. I use that same thing now that I'm married. I would never do anything on one of my trips if I'd be ashamed of it if my husband found out. I don't even go that far - I don't actually even do anything I'd rather he not know. Well, except like no one has to tell him I occasionally exceed the speed limit when I drive, okay? Or that I don't always eat right or get enough sleep. He wouldn't like that stuff. So I guess I do go that far. But I do nothing that I'd really be embarrassed about if it turned out someone was videotaping me the entire time and then showed him the tape. He wouldn't bat an eye at my conversations with Danny, and he'd actually smile at me getting a hug from RSP. In fact I tell him everything that happens with RSP because he enjoys the stories.

Anyway... this kind of rambling is another of the reasons I sometimes enjoy going on these trips by myself. Gives me time alone with myself that I don't get otherwise. Nothing like hours on the road to think. And sing. Plane time is almost as good because you can think then too. Not really sing as much.

my mood -

the mood of the whole world wide bleepin' web -