2004-01-05 - 8:16 p.m.

It's all about meeeeeeee

Warning - personal rant alert. Or personal lament, if you're feeling generous.

I was emailing with a friend recently. I had a lot of very cool adventures over new year's and the weekend before, and I told her a few things, and she asked more, so I was going into more detail. After a few fairly lengthy emails from me, I didn't hear anything back. This has happened with her before. So I figure she just has a point where she gets sick of hearing stuff, and I stopped. Next thing I know, I get an email from her, still not in response to anything I wrote, ignoring that completely, but bugging me (in a joking way) to send her something else. Well, I was surprisingly direct, for me - usually I'm much more passive-aggressive about these things. I said something like, oh, you ARE still out there - you stopped responding, so I figured you were sick of me.

We have established before that I'm a bitch. Let us add an adjective. I am a demanding bitch.

She apologized and said she had just been busy and had no time to respond lately - just to read. I almost felt guilty for being harsh. But not quite. The truth is, it's quite depressing to send out a long email, and get nothing, or a one-liner, in response. I'm not even sure which is worse. No response makes me feel ignored, and a "that's great" in answer to a 12-paragraph email makes me feel dismissed. Hard to choose. If I take the time to write an email that long to one recipient, trust me, I was under the impression I was having a conversation. If I want to just toss a message into a bottle, not caring whether anyone ever responds, I'll post an entry here, thank you very much.

Not that I don't love getting feedback here, too - but I don't expect it. I don't wait for it and wonder what's wrong and feel personally slighted if I don't get it. But imagine you're sitting with a friend, having a conversation, and after you've talked for five minutes, your friend looks away and makes no indication at all that they heard a word you said. And their explanation is, Oh, I'm sorry, I was listening, I just got to thinking about something else and didn't answer. But as soon as I want something else from you, I'll be right back.

Apparently I have an exceedingly deep well of bitterness from which I draw.

But really - is it me taking email too personally, and putting too much emphasis on the written word, or is that a fair equivalent? Maybe to some people, email isn't "real" communication, but when we're talking about a friendship that has been primarily text-based (as a frightening number of mine are), it seems like a pretty good parallel to me. It's certainly how it feels to me - like a friend sitting across the kitchen table who suddenly stopped listening. After that happens a few times, wouldn't anyone just shut up - and tend to be less forthcoming in the future?

Perhaps it's my superiority complex that makes me feel personally affronted by anyone who doesn't cling to my every word. Mm. Yes, let's go with that. It lets me retain bitch status, rather than turning me into the tragic figure who has no one who cares to listen to her dreams.

The worst thing is, I've probably done the same thing to other people in "real life" rather than email - ignored a conversation starter, or not returned a "and how was YOUR weekend" when it was called for - and been as completely oblivious.

Doesn't help me feel better though.

my mood -

the mood of the whole world wide bleepin' web -