2004-01-29 - 2:56 a.m.

I've thought of enough titles today, you do this one

I believe this is the last one for the night... you never know about me though.

Today I did indeed go in for my physical. I was sitting in the waiting area, as one is supposed to do, and the nurse type person (I don't know titles and I don't want to presume) came out and looked at the file in her hand, and called out my first name. Some other lady jumped up though, presumably with the same name, and they went back.

Hmm, I thought. It was about time for my appointment... still, the other woman had been there before me. I knew I wasn't scheduled to have anything horrible done that might end up being done to her in the first couple of minutes, so I figured I'd sit and wait and see if they figured it out.

Couple of minutes later, another nurse type person (see above disclaimer) comes out and reads a whole name - my first name but another last name. No one answers. She looks around the waiting area. She says, "Hmm... I'll bet..." and went back. I said to myself, "Yep, I'll bet too."

Sure enough. Right away the first NTP came back and called my whole name, and we had several moments' jocularity over that mistake. Actually she was quite apologetic and said several times how she almost always calls out the whole name and didn't know why she didn't this time. Maybe I should have said something, but the only thing to occur to me at the moment was, "Hey! That's my name too!" And it didn't seem worth the fuss. I guess a lifetime of being mis-identified (from time to time, and often by first AND last name) kind of makes me choose my battles.

I have no idea what I'm talking about. Just telling a story.

So I go back, scale, blood pressure, pulse, fill out a form about medical history current and past. She leaves, doctor comes in. I do like my doctor. Even if I do doubt his logical skills at times when he asks me to treat myself. You know, it's kind of like the guy at work who asks me how to do his job. I have to work on removing that "I AM OMNISCIENT - DEFER TO ME" tattoo from my forehead, because it's not doing me any good at all.

So he asks me how I'm doing, and what issues I'm having. So I start off with, forgive the medical details, this itchy patch that keeps recurring over one eye. Nothing to do with the recent conjunctivitis, though I did tell him about that. This is something I had a prescription for several years ago, so just to be helpful, I had written down the name of what I had been using way back then. He looks at the name and says, "So do you want this again?" Um, well, I was kinda hoping you'd use some of that there specialized information they taught you in medical school, and decide for me if I should have that or maybe something else. What I actually said was, "I don't know, I just thought I'd give you the history." So he said, "Well, I can give you a prescription for this again." And picked up his pad and wrote it out. Then he says, "Well, wait... there's something else that might be better..." and he starts writing that out. Then he says, "No wait, there's something new," and crumbles up the second prescription and writes a new one. It was kind of funny watching him once his brain fully engaged. I would say cute, not funny, but that would be kind of creepy to call your doctor cute.

So he tells me he'll give me both non-crumbled prescriptions. The first one will work like it did before, which is to say it worked but then the rash would come back and I'd just have to use it again; or the second one is stronger, but will be more expensive. The first one, he said, would just cost my normal copay, but "they may want an arm and a leg for the other one." Okay, well I'm not paying a fortune just to have a little rash go away, so we'll see what the pharmacy says. Then he explains to me how the first one is steroid based, so it just treats the topical fishes, where the second one actually affects the tyrannosaurs that inflame the farmlands. Or something. Medical stuff whoooooooosh right over my head. New one stronger, costs more. Got it.

Next I tell him I've been stopped up pretty much all my life. Over the holidays I started taking a seriously heavy dosage of sudafed, because, well, it worked and it was nice to be able to breathe. Nosebleeds every few days at the drop of a hat made me kind of change my mind. So I stopped, and I've just been sniffling for weeks. He says, sounds like allergies. I nod along wisely, being omniscient and all, and tell him I've never been tested. He says well, we'll be doing some bloodwork soon anyway, we can do allergy tests then, but I can write you a prescription for allergy medication now if you want to. Do you want me to?

Dude. Work on your confidence there. Or is this some new legal thing where the patient has to ASK for everything they get? "Wake up, Mr. Jones. Your surgery is over. Would you like us to stitch you up?"

So I say sure, and I tell him that I tried Claritin over the summer and felt no effect at all. He said, "Yeah, it's pretty wimpy." Okay, that was cute. Forgive me. So he gave me a prescription but also some free samples so I can try it before I get the prescription filled. I do like this guy. He also said I could try Benadryl at night - the prescription he gave me was for a medication that won't make me drowsy. He said, "It won't keep you up though. Sudafed keeps you up - I don't know if you noticed." I said, um... no. And neglected to mention that I'm a vampire, and medications that keep you up only have an observable effect if you're actually attempting to sleep.

Oh, the other reason I think he's just a wonderful person - there are tons of doctors out there who, when you come to see them for whatever, let alone a general physical, will look at anyone overweight and say, "You need to lose weight." Well, no duh, genius. Yeah, I know I do. Not going to knock the winner of the 6th grade spelling bee off the local headlines with that news flash. But this guy, no... he looks at my chart, compares the weight from last time I got weighed there, and said, "You've lost some weight this year." Positive reinforcement is a wonderful thing. Asked me what I've been doing, made some helpful rather than accusatory comments. So even if I do have to be a bit more active in the decision-making than I'm used to, I'll take the trade off.

Thus ends my medical tale.

I don't even want to talk about how many people owe me money now. Apparently that's a whole new tattoo.

And the Internet has been tired for DAYS now.

my mood -

the mood of the whole world wide bleepin' web -