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2005-01-21 - 8:03 p.m. WFE, continued That's going to be my new slogan in regards to this job. What Fucking Ever. So since I was told by the team leader that she'd be out on Monday, I come in today, reserve a conference room and send out emails that the meeting will be Tuesday. Team leader calls me. Why Tuesday and not Monday? Well, because you told me you'd be out Monday. No, this is important, I'll come in, make it Monday afternoon. Okay then. And by the way, don't make it an hour, person #2 said she needs it to be under a half hour. You know what? If you people were as prepared for this meeting as I was yesterday, when it was originally scheduled, and as I still am, we could walk into the room, spell out what to do next and be done in 15 minutes. The last meeting lasted 45, in great part because person #2 had zero specifics on what she wanted. I can't blame her personally though because I get the feeling she is being told that this is low priority and she should spend only as much time on it as she has to, to please the team leader, because team leader and person #2's boss both report to the same person. The result is me looking like a disorganized idiot to all the other people who have now had this meeting rescheduled on them, TWICE. I don't particularly appreciate that. So to sum up: We have the team leader being pushed and told this is high priority and let's wrap it up, but she doesn't really know what she's doing and is therefore avoiding this project (and, to my bafflement, every effort I make to help her) like the plague. Meanwhile she's blaming the lack of progress on this project on ME. We have another person who's being told, say and do what you have to to make the team leader happy, but this is your lowest priority behind your other work. And I suspect that's being followed with: because we're never going to use this no matter how it comes out. And we have me who I think people are really getting tired of looking at, playing CYA at championship skill level. WFE. Oh. Gretchen and I and a couple other people were discussing this other person, who won't answer Gretchen's emails, but only on certain topics. I know this other person, and I just said, when she doesn't answer you, that's usually an answer. Gretchen writes back and says, oh, I figured that, I've done that myself. Evil bwahahahaha laugh in the back of my head as I refrained from typing back, Yes darling. I know you have. And that's it on that topic. That doesn't even rate a WFE. It's now at the level of annoying and vent-worthy, but not emotionally troubling. Kind of mild empissment. Different topic, believe it or not... I knew I wasn't over it. But I did think I was closer than this. There are whole days now when I don't even think about it, and that's really good. And the days that I do, I don't cry any more. And that's good. I'm not angry any more. At all, I don't think. For a long time I kept burying the anger every time it would flare up, and I think it's finally gone. I do. I'm still sad. But not as much. And I'm still hurt. But not as much. I didn't think I'd ever make it to the acceptance stage, but I guess I'm actually getting there. That's where I want to be. But I found out something today that helped a little. Kind of made me grimly happy, if that's a possible combination. Actually I don't think it is. Because it really didn't feel anything like happy at all, on second thought. What I guess it did make me feel is validated. Although definitely grim. And I'm getting close to being able to express my feelings in words so that I can explain them to myself. I talk about it with the Viking a lot, and I'm getting closer. He doesn't mind listening to all the rough drafts. Once I can finally encapsulate it in a few sentences, I'll be much better. At the moment, as you can see... I ramble vaguely. But I'm not mad. And I'm not crying.
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