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2004-01-12 - 8:38 p.m. Found another thing I am You know, I'm beginning to think I should have named this diary, "and now what am I?" Or possibly, "I know you are, but what am I?" I've found another thing that I am - I'm a brat. Perhaps I'm working my way through the "b" words. So, so far I'm a demanding bitch brat. Am I not becoming more and more the person out with which you've always wanted to hang? Grammar amuses me. So, having put forth the above statement, I should now supply the proof. I always loved writing proofs in trig class. They're just so damned linear and logical. And when you do them well, they're just so RIGHT. It's like assembling a jigsaw puzzle. When you put in that last piece, you know it's done, and you know it's done right. Mathematical proofs are like that. Very soothing. Okay, so based on the two long paragraphs in this entry so far, I think we can skip the rest of the b's, skim right over c, d, e and f, and add on "geek." I'm a demanding bitch brat geek. I believe I have just supplied the proof for the "geek" label. So, back to "brat." I was noticing this weekend how often I think about doing something, usually going on a trip or to a concert, or both, and I really shouldn't. I can kind of afford it, but I really shouldn't spend the money. But there's this little deep down voice whining, "But I reeeeally reeeeally wanna go." I was just noticing this weekend that it usually wins. Not that I give in and do everything I'd like to do. If I did that, I wouldn't be able to pay any of my bills and I'd probably be getting a divorce. It occurs to me that I know several people who are in just that situation. But they're extreme. Right? That's not me. Right? Nah - I'm not in danger of going that far. These people completely deny reality (I'm not overly fond of reality, but I do have its address, and I check in semi-regularly) and lie to people (like their husbands) who have a right to know certain information. I don't do that. They go into debt they can't repay, to credit card companies and also to other people (oh shut up, dead horse, I'm not talking about her; well not just her). I don't do that. They'll take things away from other people to benefit themselves, and not only that, but they'll sabotage and hurt other people even if it doesn't benefit them, just so no one else can accumulate more toys than they have. Now that I've reassured myself that I'm not frighteningly obsessed or sociopathic - back to bratty. I do cop to bratty. As I was saying, I don't give in to everything I'd like to do and every trip I'd like to take. And that little whiny "I want I want" voice is always there. But I can tell when it means it. I can tell when I'm going to be okay that I missed out, and when I'm going to curse myself for years. I'll start to consider something I want to do, and common sense will kick in and say "No - I can't." Then will come the whining, "But I reeeeeally want to." And it really is just like a little kid who will beg just to see if they'll get what they're after. Sometimes I'll say, yeah, right kid, nice try; and other times I'll say well - we'll see. My inner brat knows that when she gets a "we'll see," it generally morphs into an "okay, okay, let's go." Not always - but quite often. So, my non-epiphany this weekend was that if I get so many things that I want, just because I reeeeally want them, I must be a super spoiled brat. I do make rational choices and give up other things to make these trips, and I do pay all the bills myself. I don't lie about it, I never call in sick to work to go on one of these excursions, and I don't do anything that hurts anyone. And I try really hard not to brag about my adventures. The difference between sharing and bragging is so tricky, and the same story can be either, depending on your audience. So, I'm a brat. But I'm trying to keep it down. my mood - |
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