2004-01-17 - 7:25 p.m.

The Nature of Gossip

From another diary, hope you don't mind, Nance...

"Why do people gossip? My feeling is because it makes them feel important. . .as if they have information about someone that nobody else knows. Thing is, gossip is usually 99% fiction, 1% fact. The rest is the gossipers personal feelings about the gossipee, thrown in with just a tad of truth, enough to touch a nerve, or piss someone off, and get a reaction."

Interesting question. Let me think, why do I gossip when I do it? (Did I disillusion anyone? Didn't think so. Let's move on.)

My brand of gossip is that I usually am talking to someone else who feels the same way I do about the person we are discussing. Personally, I'm not doing it to get a reaction (I don't understand people whose motive is to piss off other people just for the fun of it) and I'm not doing it to feel important. What I consider gossip is always done without the gossipee's knowledge, but if they were told I said it, I'd not be proud, but I'd at least be able to say, well, it's true isn't it?

There's that little rule somewhere about how you should determine when you should speak and when you should keep your mouth shut - three tests your information should pass. Is it true, is is kind, and is it necessary, I think were the questions. In fact, there's a joke about that. If I may digress:

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.

"The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

So I suppose, if it doesn't pass all three tests, maybe that means it's gossip. The fourth filter, which is the one I use to decide whether to tell a good friend something catty about someone else (whether or not it's a mutual acquaintance) is - the filter of Entertainment. Is it going to be entertaining to the person I'm talking to? Not a very good reason to pass on negative information I suppose. But who doesn't love a juicy story?

I do think some people do it to feel important. To some people it's more important to get credit for being the one to break news than it is to be accurate. Some people intend to be hurtful. Then there's always the time honored reason of jealousy. Personally I'm usually feeling guilty for having negative feelings about someone for something they've done, and I want to tell someone else the negative thing so they can tell me I'm overreacting, or tell me I'm right to be upset. Does that justify it? Of course not. Just giving one person's reasoning.

In the realm of doing the right thing though, I'm happy with myself for not telling a mutual friend the other day something very negative about CWOMM (chick who owes me money - this has gone on long enough that she needed an acronym). I know the information is true, but it's not particularly useful and certainly not good. This particular thing isn't about the money, and it would hurt her reputation, and I just don't have the need to hurt her publicly. Boy I wanted to tell it though. Gossip is addictive.

Could I ramble more? Yes I could. Watch.

Speaking of CWOMM - she called me this evening. She called Thursday evening too but didn't leave a message. Thursday I was away from my cell phone and didn't hear it ring. Tonight I did, but caller ID is a useful thing. I don't want to talk to her on the phone. On the phone I will either come off too harsh, or too forgiving. The voicemail she left said she did get my emails, and meant to talk to me about it the other night when she saw me, but she didn't think of it. Where is my thesaurus - what's another word for bullshit? So she said I should call her because she wants to talk to me about it. I'm not calling her. I'll see her in the chat room soon enough. I don't want to "talk about it." You owe me money and I want to know if and when you're ever going to pay me. What's to "talk about"?

my mood -

the mood of the whole world wide bleepin' web -